Both of those articles (the original post and the response) are so true for so many of us. The first thought that comes to mind is that nobody should become a parent before they are willing, which is why we so desperately need cheap and accessible birth control and abortion. The next thought is one that only gradually came to me after many years, which was that my life was going to change whether or not I had kids, and that there was absolutely zero guarantee that I would have continued to be as happy as I was before kids if I didn't have kids. Maybe it was obvious to others, but for me that one was really a revelation... and has been helpful with my own efforts towards adjusting my attitude and improving my own outlook.
I appreciated some of the Buddhist thoughts; they are good for centering and focus.
I feel sad for the first Mom because she doesn't seem to see the potential for happiness at any point in her parenting journey. I'd hope that, for almost every body, there will be at least some points where parenting is worth it and joyful.
But, of course, in order for that to happen you have to be open to it. I guess that maybe the question isn't 'Am I happy to be a parent?', but rather 'Given that I am a parent, how do I find joy?'
I feel sad for the first Mom because as she says, she "spends an inordinate amount of time dreaming of those days" (before kids).
I definitely had years where I liked my life better before I became a parent, but I also realize it's completely a waste of time to dream of those days - not only are them impossible, they are also so long in the past, I really have no idea who I'd be now if I had a childless life. 16 years changes everybody. So instead, my dreams involve future life without the kids, which to some extent involves getting them to 18 and out the door, but also (because I can't do anything half-assed) involves dedicating my time to making sure they are happy, healthy, independent, interesting people who will succeed in life and make the world a better place. And in the meanwhile, trying to push them into becoming people who I can enjoy being around and be proud of.
I'm not sure that the two things are entirely different. By only dreaming of the past she fails to see ways that the reality could become more satisfying. Right?
When Josh and I were at dinner a couple of weeks ago I found myself asking whether we were mistaken to ever have children. Its a tempting thing to think that life would always be as nice as that evening was, without the kids. Except... except I know that we had other stressers and disappointments and frustrations, and I can only imagine how those would have evolved if we hadn't taken the leap.
The only thing to do is look forward, and have hope.
That which two things are different? Dreaming of the past or dreaming of the future? I'd definitely agree they are similar, but I would consider the mindset in which you approach it to be entirely different. Dreaming of the past is to live in something that will never be; while dreaming of the future involves a possibility. A life where I never had kids is a completely different one than a life where I had kids, successfully raised them to adulthood, and they moved out and were independent.
My previous dreams of the past involved a lot of resentment for the present. But dreams and proper planning for the future necessarily involves accepting and making the best of the present.
Oh, no, I meant, i'm sad because she can't imagine a place where her parenthood is joyful and rewarding. You're sad because she spends so much time looking backwards. But, I think those are two sides of the same coin - if you only look backwards you can't work with the now.
I think that looking forward *is* different, although perhaps only if it involves trying to figure out what you do with the current status to move towards your dreams.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2014-08-12 03:10 pm (UTC)I should start writing more about parenting. I feel like I have things to say. I just don't know quite what they are yet.
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Date: 2014-08-12 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-08-12 06:25 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing this!
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Date: 2014-08-12 07:21 pm (UTC)I feel sad for the first Mom because she doesn't seem to see the potential for happiness at any point in her parenting journey. I'd hope that, for almost every body, there will be at least some points where parenting is worth it and joyful.
But, of course, in order for that to happen you have to be open to it. I guess that maybe the question isn't 'Am I happy to be a parent?', but rather 'Given that I am a parent, how do I find joy?'
no subject
Date: 2014-08-12 08:40 pm (UTC)I definitely had years where I liked my life better before I became a parent, but I also realize it's completely a waste of time to dream of those days - not only are them impossible, they are also so long in the past, I really have no idea who I'd be now if I had a childless life. 16 years changes everybody. So instead, my dreams involve future life without the kids, which to some extent involves getting them to 18 and out the door, but also (because I can't do anything half-assed) involves dedicating my time to making sure they are happy, healthy, independent, interesting people who will succeed in life and make the world a better place. And in the meanwhile, trying to push them into becoming people who I can enjoy being around and be proud of.
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Date: 2014-08-13 03:33 am (UTC)When Josh and I were at dinner a couple of weeks ago I found myself asking whether we were mistaken to ever have children. Its a tempting thing to think that life would always be as nice as that evening was, without the kids. Except... except I know that we had other stressers and disappointments and frustrations, and I can only imagine how those would have evolved if we hadn't taken the leap.
The only thing to do is look forward, and have hope.
no subject
Date: 2014-08-13 04:04 am (UTC)My previous dreams of the past involved a lot of resentment for the present. But dreams and proper planning for the future necessarily involves accepting and making the best of the present.
no subject
Date: 2014-08-13 05:13 am (UTC)I think that looking forward *is* different, although perhaps only if it involves trying to figure out what you do with the current status to move towards your dreams.